9:29 p.m. - 2003-01-23
2 HUGE HEART BREAKS!
Ani Difranco-Dilate
I did the most idiotic thing today! It wasn't the first nor would it be the last. James called me 5 times yesterday on my cell and I didn't get the message till today. First thoughts were,"Is it an emergency?" So I asked him about it and he kinda played it off sice his friend Brian was there. When Brian gave up and left, James told me he's going to DDC for 15 days. Surprise?!? NOPE.
He walked me to class and I was already late, but on the stairway we were talking while he's begging for $3 for cigs. Sad that I'm not his g/f anymore, but I give him moolah anyways.
I was "joking" around with himand I told him he better give me a "good lay"! He looks at me weird and tells me to go fuck Jared. This pissed me off! Jared is like a brother to me!
He had to go and gave me hug. Then I said,
"Actually I want you to kiss me..."
"Um...no."
"I mean on the cheek..."
He walks away and says, "Sorry, but no thanks." I had the same pain in my chest again. My heart seem to lunge out and tumble down the stairs fellowing him. I stood there and had one of those moments when you have a bad feeling about something, everything around you is moving fast around you for a few seconds and you stand there feeling you're going at slow motion and hazy. Finally I turned around and was 15 mins. late for class.
I hung out with my cousin Anthony and my new friend Whitney after school. Both are freshmen. Made me feel a little better.
I went to church and the sermon was about marriage and how you shouldn't cheat on someone you love. I felt a regret crawling down my throat. I felt bad trying to kiss my Ex. After the service, I talk to Chris's(my b/f) mom. I asked her how Chris is and has he called or anything. She asked if I receive a call,letter, or e-mail from him. I said,no. Then she says that he has something to tell me and it was bad news. I just kinda turn around without saying goodbye to her a went straigt to the car. It echoed in my mind...He's going to break up with me! He's going to break up with me! He's going to break up with me! I cried on a pillow on the way home. As soon as I get home, I broke down in tears. I've like this guy for 4 years and I was actually willing to wait...WAIT! YES WAIT FOR SOMEONE WHO'S ON THE OTHERSIDE OF THE FREAKIN WORLD!!!
James called a minute later, it made matters worse. He's been calling me for a lot of support lately. We broke into this fight cause he told me to stop my bitchin and complaining and to just shut the hell up!
"Of course you wouldn't fucking understand!!" I said.
"I wouldn't understand?!? I'm going to DDC tomorrow!"
"Yeah you wouldn't understand nor would you care! Cause I'm going through the same thing I went with you!!!"
Other words were thrown in and I was so sad and pissy and he's all upset he's going to DDC. I was SO pissed that I told him I was glad he's going to DDC cause he deserved it! Hung up.
